Thoughts on Christmas Eve

Christmas eve only comes once a year and here it is, right now, December 24, 2010. Each year it is different and each year it somehow looses it’s importance. As a child, I can remember not being able to sleep and waiting for weeks for the moment when i could go downstairs on Christmas morning and see all the things that “Santa” brought me. But now it seems almost a sad thing, knowing that this is another year that has passed and that i really don’t have that many more left. I know tomorrow morning, i will be wishing that i were back here again and tomorrow afternoon i will be wishing i could have that morning back. And someday years from now, when i am dieing, i will be wishing for any moment back just to relive it again, to have a second chance to make the difference i never did. But i don’t want to look back with that kind of regret and yet, i am unable to make myself be or do more than i am. I feel like a looser a lot of times and i want to do something, anything to leave a mark or make a difference. I believe everyone feels this way sometimes, but the question is “what do we do about it?” love. We were put here to love, not to be loved, but to love everyone. Am i doing this? That is the next question that i am forced to ask myself and i know everyone will agree that the answer to that question to “no”. I’m not loving everyone. I could make a list, a long list, of people i don’t love. So what is the next question? The next question is “Is it worth it? Is it worth it not to love those people that irritate and annoy you?”
And from a single thought on Christmas eve, a wave of questions and answers have followed. The difference to be made in this world isn’t peace or less poverty or better governments, it’s love, we need to love more. I think at the end of this life, if we have loved then we can be truly satisfied with the difference we have made, not necessarily in the world, but in the people who knew us. This is the greatest legacy we can ever leave behind and it will bring us the greatest reward in heaven. We will be able to say at the end that we have loved and loved well, not just one person or a handful, but everyone we ever met. And they, in turn will also be changed for the better.

that one girl

Rant

I am so lost sometimes! what am doing with my life, my relationships? It's all just falling to peices around me and I haven't the inclination or the knowledge how to stop it.  Goodness! I'm sure there are oodles of pselling and grammer mistakes in this, but just bare with me.  i am typing fast...I have to get this out.
what is it that makes someone who they are? Their past? The traits their born with? their friend and family???  why have I been cast a lot that seems so different??? I can't, for the life of me, figure out what my problem is...I kill everything I touch, relationships, memories, moments...they all crumble under my finger tips and leave me wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong. sometimes I think I should just lock myslef in a closet somewhere and let the rest of the world live on in peace without me...blah! I am so freaking overdramatic, i'm getting on my own nerves! haha
well, later then.
thanks for listening to that confusing little rant...
that one girl...forgettable, indistinguishable and unimportant